My world isn't the world it was two months ago, before I started this journalism gig. I've been trying to figure out how blogging fits in or fits back in. The direction of this blog needed to change. What I really need is a place to think and wonder and direct my life to the place I really want it to be. And I no longer feel able to come up with pieces of advice when I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going.
So I'm going to examine how it is I'm creating my world by simply putting it before my eyes. Why use a blog? I'm very conscientious and will make myself write because I hate not updating this.
What's my world look like? Well, its filled with days of thinking up and writing stories on the LA Pagan community. I interview people, I visit occult shops, I attend events and then I sit down and pen their stories. Then I work on marketing the column. It is fun to get to know people. I'd like it even more if the pay was better. I'd like it even more if it didn't take time away from the real writing, the writing I love. I miss writing fiction and poetry. I do a little of it, but not enough to get something into publishable shape.
So I ask myself why am I taking all this time on something that doesn't pay well and isn't the dream job? I do it as a service to the LA Pagan community. I want them to all know one another. I want the larger world to know us Pagans are fun, interesting, and not so different from the them. But why can't I let it go enough to do the work I'd rather be doing or at least work that pays a lot more money. Maybe I'm afraid to do the creative work. What if my dream job doesn't pan out? And I know I'm avoiding the work that pays more because most of that isn't what I want either.
I guess I have to ask myself what do I really want and what do I really need? I need money and I want satisfying work that I love; work that isn't work. Where do I begin? Maybe I begin again. Maybe I sit here and think and write and avoid the chores that I'd usually do on a Saturday morning. Maybe I get out there before it gets to hot and think while I sweep. Either way, at some point I start consciously creating the world I want to live in.
After the meditation, the yard work. (I did laundry on Tuesday.)